A lot has happened in the past three days. So much so that I’m having difficulty thinking of the best way to go about this post. Since I’m really not sure where to begin, I guess I’ll start chronologically.
So for the past few weeks, I’ve been talking more often with a certain someone (for the sake of anonymity, let’s call him Ben). Ben has/had been in our general friends group all last year, but I rarely saw him or spoke to him then. This year, he’s roommates with a fellow BME of mine who I see quite frequently; and thus, I see Ben a lot more now, too. Anyways, two weeks ago was the first night I went out, and when we came back we went and chilled in Ben’s room for a bit. I’m pretty sure it was the first time he’s seen me drunk. And some unconscious flirting may have gone on, but nothing ostentatious or anything. Regardless, he apparently thought I was pretty fun or something, and I had wrote on his computer sticky notes that he needs to cook me food errday. It’s a frequently referred to joke now, and he still keeps offering to make me food.
Regardless, last week we also went back to his room after partying, this time a little more tipsy than last. A bunch of us were in there playing Brawl, so I joined in and kept picking on Ben by blocking his view of the screen so he’d die, etc. He countered by constantly trying to tickle me or something. Again, I guess some subtle flirting, but really nothing much. But after this night, the subtle “I think he likes me” clues started getting… less subtle. He’d post on my wall all the time when previously we never chatted, he’d text me more talking about nothing in particular, etc. I had a new rule in mind: do not go back to Ben’s room drunk, ever.
And then Friday—three days ago—happened. Previously, I hadn’t really been getting drunk when going out partying, so I thought “Hm, maybe my tolerance is increasing.” Also, the party we were going to tonight, I didn’t like the cohosts so I wanted to show up already drunk so that it’d be less awkward. Line up 4.5 shots. Then I got there, and the first thing I did was head to the BP tables, where I volunteered to drink for some friends already in a game who didn’t want to drink anymore. Then I played my own game, and we kept winning, so we stayed on for 2-3 more, or something like that. I really don’t remember.
This was probably the first time I was ever piss drunk.
I remember leaving with the help of my good buddy, who happened to coincidentally be Ben’s roommate, and thus my rule was broken. I don’t remember anything of getting to Ben’s room, or what happened once I got there, and I’m not even entirely sure I remember who was there. But I do remember a helluvalot of puking my brains out and feeling like absolute shit. I had no motor ability; the garbage can I was leaning over was fully supporting my body weight. I had no sense of anything; apparently I puked on my own hair, and my friends taking care of me just Lysol wiped it off. Apparently I also puked on Ben’s bed, ffs, but they Lysol’ed that too. A lot more goes on, and the subtle/unconscious flirting turns into ostentatious let-me-lie-my-head-in-your-lap obvious.
So night comes along and they finally get me into a semi conscious state, putting me into Ben’s bed for the night. I pass out there, and when I wake up I find Ben sleeping in a chair. Omg, I felt and still feel absolutely horrible about it, but I guess if he had slept with me things would be doubly more awkward now.
Regardless, there were multiple things that went wrong that bother me to this day:
1) The party. David was there, and apparently he goes to my church now, so when I saw him at church he started talking about how insanely “gone” I was at the “party” and asked me if I even remembered what happened—all the while in front of church people. I think this was the most obvious feeling of having a double life I ever encountered, because I was embarrassed. Anything that I do outside of our church posse I should feel comfortable about doing with the church posse, but I don’t. Drinking has always been a struggling point for me in my walk with Christ, but I don’t really know how to cope with it. When I look to my home church, nearly all of them drink, so I think among that group I wouldn’t feel nearly as guilty. But here, almost none of them drink or party. So I feel like I’m the one doing something wrong. In fact, Friday was Praise Night at our church—something I skipped to get absolutely wasted. Priorities, right?
2) Ben. I think it’s absolutely obvious that he likes me now, but I don’t think I like him. When I think about why, though—damn, that part confuses me. For one, he’s really tall. Two, I’m not entirely sure if I’m attracted to him physically. Three, he’s too nice. But since when was being too nice a bad thing? And then if I think about do I like him? One, he’s a Christian. He’d be an excellent support for me. Two, he’s already friends with my friends, so that wouldn’t be awkward at all. Three, apparently drunk me loves him, so there’s some part of me that does like him. But then this problem always hits me—when no one likes me, I realize how badly I want a boyfriend and how attractive Ben or anyone really would be. But then when someone does like me, I ALWAYS look for faults. This exact same thing happened with Andrew. I feel like this is the same thing that’s happening now.
But back to the original point—and yes I know this is poorly organized, but whatever. #1. Also tied to the title of this post, ‘reflections’. I was skimming an article yesterday where the author talked about how he often doubts as a Christian. But not doubts like “Does God exist?” but more along the lines of “Do I believe?” He talked about self-examining ourselves periodically as Christians, kind of like check ups, to see how strong/stable we are in our walks. And then today at church, in the sermon, the pastor talked about “If Jesus were here right now, what would be the reason for why you hesitate in running towards Him?” He also talked about John 5, where there is a disabled man lying near the waters waiting to be healed. Jesus—all-knowing of both the situation and the man’s heart/desires—asks him an obvious question: “Do you want to be healed?” If Jesus were to ask us questions now, what would he ask?
For me, I think it’d be “Do you want this?”
I talked with Caitlin the other day about our walks in Christ, and hers was so full of emotion and desire and passion for wanting to spend every moment of every day in communion with God. She said she was tired of asking questions and looking for answers—that the questions and answers didn’t matter anymore; she was in love. I don’t know if I can ever reach this point in my walk because I’m so connected to the facts. I’m a skeptic, I’m a scientist, I fear emotional highs or more generally any sort of ‘feeling’-based experience (ie: when pastors play towards the emotions of churchgoers during prayer or worship). It might be my hometown upbringing, which often felt so void of emotion in service. I’m not sure. All I know is part of me wants that sort of longing—to have that unyielding passion for Christ and that desire to draw near him, for He is all I could ever possibly need. But then the other part of me knows that there’s this barrier—this wall of science/skepticism/logic that holds me off from fulling diving into love. I guess it’s still possible to be fully in love with God without having that emotional drive; the more you know about someone, the more you can know that you love them, right? But I don’t feel that passion. Legalism still plays a role in a lot of what I do. It’s frustrating.
So I’m reflecting. I’m looking into my heart and asking: Do I want this? Yes, I do. But am I willing to make the changes in my life that I’ll need to reach this? Unsure. What changes are those? Why is it that partying and drinking have always been such a hindrance to me when they don’t seem to be a problem for any other Christians, ie my sister.
Do I want this? Yes, I still do. I know my faith and I know I have reason for what I believe. I guess my logical foundation is a good one to have, because even when I’m feeling emotionally drained, I know I still have something to stand on besides “what feels right” or “what feels true.”
Am I willing to make the changes in my life that I’ll need? I’m trying. I’m making the effort. I’m willing to open up and talk to people, and see if their advices can help guide me in a way that will work. Maybe there aren’t two distinct paths that I have to choose. Maybe there’s superpositions: both paths, and none at all, at the same time. Fancy that?
Why would I hesitate in running towards Jesus? Guilt, mainly. Why do I feel guilty? Because I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Allison sent me an email today where she hinted at this idea—what’s the difference between Christians and non-Christians? Is there something actually different in the way they choose to live? Sometimes I think no—atheists can still be just as ‘good’ in the worldly sense as Christians, or any other religious people for that matter. So what’s the difference? Is it just that Christians realize they are living in sin and need forgiveness, but others don’t?
Caitlin talked about how we can’t see God, but when we love each other, we see glimpses of Him in our love. Is that the defining characteristic of Christians versus non-Christians? That we, to our best ability, exemplify God’s love by loving others?
Am I showing God’s love through my life?
…Probably not. This needs to change.
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